I dream about babies.
Some nights it’s something as simple or as sweet as meeting my friends baby for the first time, (who isn’t due to join us for another 4 weeks) other nights it’s my nephew when he was 6 months old. Last night was the first dream I’ve had when I was aware that the baby was mine, but it kept switching from a baby to a chihuahua puppy and got very confusing.
The Internet suggests I have an untapped potential, new beginnings are on their way and that I’m experiencing pure joy. Personally, I think my subconscious is forcing me to acknowledge how madly I want a child. I refuse to allow my waking self to entertain the notion at this time so when my mind is finally permitted to wander it runs right over to babyville and sets up residence.
But I must admit, I am lying… I think about having a child/children/little family of my own at least 5 times a day. It seems whenever my mind is permitted to wander that’s where it goes. Childlessness is no simpler because it’s voluntary. The constant reminder that you’re not ready; financially, emotionally, or in your marriage for the one thing that you want, that you’re wasting time on something as futile as an education when you already know what you’ve been called to be.
My current tiny family: Ross the tattoo, George and the chickens are me!
For now I’ll try to remember that these years are the time when my marriage will be defined, when we’ll learn how to be partners. I’ll build my nest and focus my mind and trust in God’s perfect timing. (though I imagine I will need reminding often…)